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Empowering Parents caught up with Peggy Moss, a nationally known expert on bullying and a tireless abet for the prevention of hate violence, to hash out bullying and what parents can do when they doubtable their child is existence bullied. And what they can practice—together—to endeavor to stop it.

Q. Are name-calling and teasing just function of growing up, a rite of passage that all kids get through?

Many people out in that location recall that adults are making too much of a fuss about it, that nosotros should exit kids to their own devices. We know better now.

I have talked to 80-year-olds who recollect the name of the person who tormented them in school. And the proper noun of the child who stood up for them in first grade. This is hurting that has lasted a lifetime.

We take the data to end bullying now, and then why wouldn't nosotros?

Related content: What to Practise If Your Child Is Bullying Other Kids

Q. How can you tell if your child is beingness bullied?

There'south a practiced chance your kid won't walk up to you and say, "I'm getting teased and bullied at school, the kids are calling me names." Instead, information technology'southward going to manifest itself by your child saying, "I don't want to go to school today."

If this seems to exist happening a lot, consider the possibility that bullying might exist the reason behind the sick days.

Besides, expect for signs that kids are hurting themselves. Cocky-mutilation can be a sign.

For boys, ane classic symptom is that they are teased and then much about being gay or beingness atypical that they're terrified to go to the bath. Since in that location's only one way in and one style out of a bathroom, it'south an ideal place to tease other kids. Boys who are bullied often won't become all day. If your child races home and goes to the bathroom every day after school it could mean that in that location's a bullying problem.

These are all possible signals that your kid might exist the target of teasing at school.

As a parent, teacher or health care worker, add "Bullying" to your radar when you lot're trying to figure out what'south going on with a kid—add the possibility that your kid is getting tormented at schoolhouse.

The injury is real when kids get teased. Unchecked, information technology can be devastating.

Q. If my kid comes to me and tells me he is beingness bullied, what is the all-time thing to do?

I would say allow your child talk about it. Listen in a non-judgmental manner nearly your child and about the teaser. Let your kid exercise the talking. Don't try to solve the trouble. Enquire your child:

"What happened? How did that make you feel?"

Don't make the assumption that your kid has done something to bring on the teasing. Teasing isn't always logical, and for your kid it doesn't thing why—information technology just matters that information technology'due south happening. Therefore, don't say, "What did you practice that made them tease you?" That's not going to help.

Also, endeavour to find out more almost the child who'southward doing the teasing. Merely don't say, "Oh my God, what a rotten kid," because yous're simply getting a part of the story.

Your kid doesn't need y'all to go ballistic or take on the problem equally your own. Your child needs to know that he's being heard and that his feelings matter. Once you've got the whole story out, depending upon what's happened, you tin take your next step.

For a parent to be explosive about the state of affairs volition crusade a child to recoil. If I march to schoolhouse and confront the bully on the playground, my child is not going to feel safe telling me anything virtually this again. I'one thousand taking on his battle for him.

Related content: Is Your Child Existence Bullied? nine Steps You Tin can Take as a Parent

Q. What tin I do to stop the bullying?

The short answer is to let your kid come up with ideas. Ask him questions like:

"What do you call up you can say next time? What do yous recollect might work?"

Aid your child meet what the event might exist of their words and deportment. Aid them run across that this is a problem they can solve on their own terms.

For example, your kid might come up with the idea of saying to the great, "Leave me alone, you jerk." Instead of the parent proverb, "That's a bad idea," respond with:

"What do you recall is going to happen if you do that?"

Allow them figure out that the bullying might escalate if they resort to name-calling.

Your child might and then shrug and say, "I could walk away from the bully." You can suggest that they walk away the showtime time and say what they need to say the next fourth dimension.

We have to exist honest near how hard it is to face a tormentor. It'southward also important to inquire your kid this question:

"What's going to brand you feel amend virtually this situation?"

Merely make certain you're not the one coming upwards with the solution. Information technology's important that your child feels similar they're solving the problem on his or her ain terms. It's a skill y'all can teach them that volition final a lifetime.

Q. What if my child won't talk to me about being bullied?

As long as they feel like they take a rubber place to go, that is what's important. And if you experience your child can't talk to you, consume difficult and say, "OK, my kid is non talking to me, only my kid needs to talk to someone."

Put someone else in that room with them that they can talk to, whether it's an aunt or uncle, teacher, advisor, coach or family friend. Unless that conversation tin can showtime, it's very hard to get to the heart of the problem.

Q. When should I arroyo my kid's teachers most it?

Go in pretty early, equally soon as your child starts coming abode and mentioning that they are being teased. If your kid is coming dwelling more than than once a week and saying, "These kids are teasing me and I don't like to go to the bathroom," go in after schoolhouse when all the kids are gone.

Telephone call the instructor and ready an date. Teachers are similar everyone else, if you mention something in passing, it won't deport equally much weight. If yous make an engagement, they volition listen.

A caution to parents: frequently when your kid is getting bullied, their teachers don't know it. Kids are smart enough not to practice it in front end of the teacher. Deport in mind that when yous get to a teacher you shouldn't exist carrying a hatchet in your back pocket. Information technology may non be that the teacher is doing a bad job, information technology might hateful it'due south happening out of earshot.

So, don't go into school bold that yous'll be received with, "Oh yes, we've seen this happening." Say things like:

"My child is coming home and talking about this."

And then say:

"This is how it'south impacting my child."

The impact on your child is what teachers need to know because information technology may not be obvious to them. Yous're basically asking them to go on an middle on your child and to keep an eye out for trouble. Later, you can follow-up with e-mail and ask the teacher for an update.

If the bullying doesn't cease, or it's really bad bullying, yous should go to the main. A really groovy trick is to go in with a question:

"I talked to Ms. Johnson a week ago, and my daughter is still coming domicile with this complaint. What should I do?"

Put information technology into the lap of the chief and ask:

"When tin can I expect to hear back from yous about what you've washed? What's the next footstep?"

Then you can tell your child that you will be getting an answer on Thursday about what steps will be taken. Information technology's also all right to enquire educators to keep your conversations individual, and and so yous can reassure your child most this likewise.

Q. What most when it'due south gone beyond verbal abuse and at that place is a physical threat?

One time yous've got a threat, you've got a law-breaking—information technology's called "criminal threatening." Information technology's time to alert the law.

You want to be in touch with the school long before y'all've got a threat of violence. When the threat of violence comes, you're in police territory.

That'south why at that place's so much uproar about teasing and bullying, because in one case a kid has been threatened with violence, it's a really big wound. It's difficult to tell that child that they can feel safe at school ever again. Specially if the threat is anonymous.

For the kid who gets an anonymous threat, going to schoolhouse is terrifying minute-to-infinitesimal. At that place is no way a kid can focus on her math test if she'south trying to figure out who wrote the notation saying they were going to impale her. By the time you get to that point, you are in crisis way.

Office of information technology is getting a sense from teachers about what's really going on in that school. As a parent, it's much more than complicated. If you tin't figure out who is making the threat and the police force tin can't figure information technology out, yous actually accept to decide whether the child is safety in the schoolhouse and whether y'all desire to keep her there.

Q. The bulletin to kids in your book Say Something is that kids have the power to end bullying beliefs at schoolhouse themselves. Can y'all explain how this works?

When we talk to kids most bullies, remind them of this truth: Bullies are cowards. Most bullies won't tease two kids together, and well-nigh never will they pick on three kids at once. Even in a group, bullies single out one or 2 kids.

In terms of patently old teasing, bullies like to put other kids downwards, to make someone else feel lousy then they tin experience powerful. Most kids who are teasing and putting down other kids are looking for approving from peers.

Teach your kids that there are a lot of ways to show that you don't approve. If someone but speaks upwards and says, "Whoa," or "Ew," or "That's not cool," it can exist constructive. If some other kid tin walk up and say, "Hey, come up over here, yous want to get play?" to the person getting picked on, that's huge. It often will defuse the whole situation.

That bully is unlikely to follow, and he has just been told in public that what he's doing is not cool. Whether a instructor or kid breaks the assumption, now the kid getting picked on knows that not everyone agrees, and so does the bully.

Information technology doesn't always have to take a lot of backbone. Kids should know that they have the ability to change their situation, especially when they work together.

Peggy Moss has worked to eradicate bullying for more than than a decade, showtime as a prosecutor with the Section of Attorney General in Maine, and subsequently every bit an educator and curriculum developer with the Center for the Prevention of Detest Violence and the Cromwell Disabilities Center.

Peggy has written three award-winning books for unproblematic-aged children on bullying, Say Something, Our Friendship Rules, co-authored past Dee Dee Tardiff, and One of Us.  She also gives seminars and bullying awareness workshops to healthcare providers, educators, students and parents in the United States and Canada.

Peggy is a graduate of Princeton University and the Washington College of Police force at American University. She currently lives in Toronto, Canada with her husband and 2 daughters. For more data, encounter world wide web.SaySomethingNow.com.

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